Fear.

Back in early November, 2002, a couple of friends and I were driving back to our college after a night of swing dancing in San Francisco.  We were laughing and having a good time when we passed a billboard for breast cancer awareness.  On the pink background was a beautiful purple butterfly and the words, "Daddy, did Mommy like butterflies?"

It broke my heart.  And I proclaimed right then, "I can't imagine losing my mom.  I am pretty sure I would just cease to exist."

All of us in the car were quiet for a few moments, until a friend said -- hey, don't worry, that's not going to happen to you.

Except it did.  Two days later.  I lost my mom.

It was terrible.

Well, that's a gross understatement.  It was beyond terrible, something you can only understand if you know this pain.  To keep it simple, let me say that it hurt. A lot. And then it hurt some more.

And many times throughout that first year or two I thought those words I had said -- that I would cease to exist -- might come true.  Or I wished they would.

But the thing is this: I didn't cease to exist.  Life continued on and eventually I learned how to embrace that.  Fully.

So, the topic for today is: The thing you are most afraid of?  Easy. Having to go through that again with someone who is so incredibly close to me.  Because I am afraid I would cease to exist...

The truth is, I know I wouldn't.  I know I would find a way through.  I just also know I don't want to have to test that theory.